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Dear Rian:

#30 in a series (wow), beginning here and listed here

Dear Rian:

You have never been just a nice guy to me, with or without the buts. Over the years, you have been by turns a fascinating crush, a considerate boyfriend, a patient ex, a tolerant roommate, and now and always a valued friend - and you give the world's best hugs. With so many words to choose from, why would I pick the ambiguous ones?

In some ways, the relationship we had, along with my choices and the changes that followed, marked my transition from girl to woman. I don't think that growing up ever happens without some pain. In the long run, I think that I ended up being fairly lucky. I made the choices that hurt me, and I still believe I chose for the right reasons. I worry sometimes that I hurt you as well. If I did, you never let me see it.

It is difficult for me to remember the girl I was, and difficult to see the boy you were instead of the man you are. We have long since set our feet to different paths, and even our friendship is more one of times gone by than of the here and now. Nonetheless, there is still a part of me that loves you, with the innocence that I once had. I am so glad to see you happy, with someone who is good for you.