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Sep. 11th, 2003

After ten years - the important ten years, no less - where would I even begin?

I guess that's the key to all the people I miss from before college. I wouldn't even know how to pick up from where we left off, because I barely remember who I was, whenever it was. How could I even find a place to start to explain who I have become, and why?

I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to re-establish one or two lost friendships with people I never lost contact with in the last four years. I'm trying to figure out if it's worth the effort, the risk. I'm unsure of my pacing, and of the soundness of my decisions. Most days I'm willing to fight for even a shadow of what I remember. Some days I think it's a waste of my time, that the conclusion is inevitable and I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment.

How much more so would it be with someone I no longer know at all, who no longer knows me? For someone who, most likely, never really knew me at the time? How do I get from Shy Repressed Anti-Social Band Geek to... well, Shy Repressed Anti-Social Gamer Geek. Perhaps I overestimate my own change. And yet, while my base self-assessment hasn't changed that much, I think my outlook and perceptions and values certainly have. How on earth could I express that, and how I came to where I am?

The problem with memories is that it will always seem more extreme - the good parts get better, the bad parts get both better and worse. I remember the friends and the friendships better, more fondly, and gloss over all the flaws. The problems seem comparatively insignificant, but the time I remember them taking and the strength of my reactions both become larger.

So I reminisce over the friendships long gone by, which were probably never what I remember them to be, and wish I could get back in touch with people I probably wouldn't have anything in common with anyway. That truly is a waste of my time, regardless of anything else.

I'm tempted to skip right over the letters to the few people I have left and get to the ones to people I still know. More challenging, and riskier, of course... but I could use a challenge or two. But there's only about four left, and one of them I have to write. We'll see.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
soupkills
Sep. 11th, 2003 09:25 am (UTC)
Don't skip them. Even if you don't see a use, they're providing me (at least, I'd imagine at least a few other of your current friends) an interesting look into your past. :)

And I can think of at least one reason to get back in touch with those people... Perspective. You're saying you can't see how you've changed in the past N years (where N is probably more than you'd like). I bet that someone seeing you for the first time in ages would be better able to see what's new in you. And who knows, maybe you'll get along fine. :)
collacentaur
Sep. 11th, 2003 10:17 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're reading them and enjoying them. I've been operating under the assumption it's just a project for me, and was beginning to feel a little guilty about the huge space clog on my friends' friends lists.

Of course, I guess even for people who aren't interested, it's no worse than the five billion quizzes...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )