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Dear Jenny:

Dear Jenny:

I will always wonder if I couldn't have tried a little harder. It seems like I never gave you the attention you deserved. I didn't find the words to tell you that you were important to me, that I respected your opinions and valued your advice. I never made you my top priority, because I knew you would understand. Just because you understood didn't mean it was the right choice.

I truly have always appreciated you, even if it doesn't seem that way. When I met you at Drew, I was still very sheltered and naive, and you were an Experienced Woman of the World. The last thing you were looking for was another little sister, but I really needed someone who could explain things to me. You always have.

You have an incredible thirst for knowledge that amazes me, and enriches me as well. While the topics you investigate aren't always the ones I would have chosen, the simple truth is that I'm not taking the initiative to go out and learn more about my world, and share it with my friends. You are. And there are so many things that interest you that I might never have heard of if you were not so free to talk about whatever you are learning.

The gift of your friendship is one I probably don't deserve. I haven't been a very good friend to you. I have failed to be there at the moments I should have been. I have neglected you at times, and at other times found the worst possible way to try to make it up to you. And I have never been able to tell you how I really do appreciate you - not because I feel I can't tell you, but because I simply can't make the words work right. Even now, as I've been writing these letters to friends, I have been stalled for nearly a month trying to find the right words, enough words, meaningful words. Words that can express my respect, admiration, gratitude, affection, guilt, inadequacy, apology. I think that of all the gifts you've given me, the greatest is that somehow you seem to understand without the words.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
ourika
Oct. 22nd, 2003 09:07 am (UTC)
Wow. I’ve always tended to think that _I’m_ the one who didn’t put much into our friendship. When we were spending a lot of time together, I’d hang out with you a bit, toss my stuff in your room, and then go elsewhere because I always just figured you’d be there later… And sometimes I think back on that with guilt and wonder if I wasn’t using you (I didn’t think of it that way, but in retrospect, it appears so).

Try not to be so negative towards yourself (something I’ve been working on personally, so I notice even more in others lately…)! Friendship just IS. You are a friend because of who you are. Period. Deserve should not be part of the equation. When we were spending the majority of our time together, I didn’t need a friend who was there for me at every turn. When we met, I was at a time in my life when I desperately needed to work on my own independence. I needed a friend who would listen to me babble for a bit then let me wander off. And you were that kind of friend. Even if quacking shocked you *winks*

Besides, who but you and turtle_morn could ever understand why dinner plates still tend to make me blanche (or who could correct me if I’ve got the wrong word there…)? Or why I just shouldn’t be allowed to talk when I’m on certain kinds of medications? For that matter, you’re one of the few people who’s told me that you have always understood and expected that I needed to “go away.” (Remember our last conversation at A’s.)

You’re right. I didn’t need another little sister, but I never thought of you as one. I won’t lie – I did think of you as younger and sheltered. I thoroughly enjoyed shocking you (although lately I don’t really seem to be able to do so. I guess that means you’ve grown up or something?)

Shit. My reply to your post was as long as the post itself…
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