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And where do I go from here? how do i live with the broken heart i always said i'd never be able to handle? how do i accept that all of my hopes and dreams, from start to finish, have been shattered? how do i build a whole new life with the same old me?

i developed self-esteem and self-worth based on the knowledge that somebody loved me, that somebody felt I was beautiful, sexy, desirable. That somebody thought I was intelligent, interesting, good company. I thought I truly believed in myself, i thought those values were secure and independent. But now I am faced with doubt. If the love I thought I had was never real, then was any of the rest of it ever real? Was the self-esteem I fought my way to all founded on a delusion? how can i love myself, if the person whose opinions i most value can't love me any more?

part of me just wishes i could be sixteen again, to see the solutions that i can't accept now. i'm too damn stable to accept what i'm quite unstable enough to want.

I had goals in life. I had hopes and dreams. I wanted marriage, children, to own my own home. I have wanted those things for all my life. I thought they might be attainable, I thought that maybe against all odds I might have managed to get myself on the right track. I never had interest in a career. now i look at where i am, and i wonder what i can do. i am too shy to start dating strangers. i'm too fat, too plain, too idiosyncratic, to believe i could attract anyone anyway. and if i did? i could spend another 3-4 years and have this happen again, land flat on my ass with my dreams in ruins. again.

i can't help but wonder what i could have done differently. he says that it just wasn't working, that we weren't growing. all i can think is that he was still looking for the spark that comes from new relationships. that goes away, always. usually in 3-6 months. that kind of intensity can't be maintained, or you'd burn out. love is what remains after the magic fades. if that's not what he wants, if that's not the place he is in life, i guess there's not much I can do. i tried, really i did. what else could i have done? the sex? he gave up too soon. i've been trying. conversation? while we sometimes lacked for it, sometimes we talked for hours. all we needed was a good topic. common interests? of course we had those. maybe too many of them. if what he wanted was for me to change, perhaps he shouldn't have pushed so hard for me to stay the same. and if so, 'tis a pity he couldn't have waited a little longer, for i had changes in mind for myself before. now it's harder, because i'll have to climb my way out of this morasse of grief just to try to do what i wanted to do anyway.

it's funny, you'd think after 3 1/2 years that a relationship level problem is something that should come up in conversation at least once, to try to solve it together. You'd think it wouldn't just go from on to off, from "I love you" to "this isn't working" fast enough I can only say I saw it coming in retrospect. And as the old saying goes, hindsight is always 20/20.

...then again, Jeff always did say "I love you" too lightly. He did it at the beginning of our relationship, too soon, so it stands to reason he would say it at the end, after it had lost its meaning to him.

The worst of it? As hurt, devasted, destroyed as I am, I'm still more worried about him. I worry about how he's going to manage, if he has enough resources to start up his own apartment. I am hoping he's okay, that he's talking to people, that he will be okay. I hope to that we manage to find friendship from this. And most of all, I just want him to be happy. He said he wasn't happy with me any more. And I love him so goddamn much that I can't even present any argument. I would do whatever it takes to make him happy. I made a commitment to him, and to his happiness. and i just want him to be happy.

me? i can't imagine how i could ever be happy again. even though i know i've felt like that before. i can't sleep, i can't eat. i can't concentrate on anything except how miserable i am, how lonely. how damp and how dehydrated i am from the tears rolling down my cheeks, my chin, my neck, my chest. how i have to pretend to be okay. how i have to make it okay, even though it isn't, because in 2-3 weeks the sympathy my friends are showering on me now will go away. and i will have to go on without dumping all this on them. even though past experiences lead me to believe it will be at least months and more likely years before i can begin to stop being so unhappy.

how can i learn to fall out of love with someone i said forever to?



( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 7th, 2003 07:45 pm (UTC)
"You're a castaway where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?

You must face the age of not believing
Doubting ev'rything you ever knew
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful in you."

I'm so sorry, Steph. There are no words that help with a loss this deep but I'm going to try anyway.

First know that I am here for you, for as long as you need someone to listen to you be that days, months or years later. You are in mourning and you take all the time for grief you need. Don't let anyone give you a timetable for recovery.

You do have worth, Steph. I've always enjoyed your company and considered you a fine friend. Did you know that you are the only one of my college crew to send me a Christmas card every year? That's the kind of thoughtfulness I associate with you.

Take things one day at time and don't be afraid to lean on those that care about you.

Jul. 7th, 2003 09:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you. That truly does help, at least for a little while - and a few minutes at a time is about all I can manage right now.

I'm embarrassed, too - I don't think I ever got your card mailed this past year.
Jul. 7th, 2003 11:54 pm (UTC)
I just had to say...
I'm someone that you've met once or twice, briefly, and I thought you were a wonderful, vibrant woman. I know you can get through this, as hard as it seems now, and find someone who will truly care for you.
Jul. 8th, 2003 06:50 am (UTC)
But we don't go away. Not in three weeks, not in three years. It doesn't make stuff better, I know, but you can come cry about this with me when you're 80 and it won't be whiny or not OK. I promise.
(no subject) - oidhche - Jul. 8th, 2003 11:39 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 8th, 2003 11:45 am (UTC)
*grin* that's right, i forgot how far ahead my mother had you paid up...
Jul. 8th, 2003 11:46 am (UTC)
Sadly for collacentaur, it's rather fucking hard to get rid of the likes of us.
Jul. 8th, 2003 11:47 am (UTC)
Happily, I'd say.
Jul. 8th, 2003 11:30 am (UTC)
You don't learn to fall out of love. You just learn that your capacity for love was many times greater than you thought, and then you find new sources of love to fill the space and then one day you take a look and find that the love that once filled so much of the space and caused so much pain is now just a quiet fraction of a much greater mass.

ANd don't say it can't happen, or that it won't, because it can, and it will if you let it.

Jul. 9th, 2003 07:39 pm (UTC)
i know i live far away now, but know that i'm here if you need me *hug*
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )