September 11th, 2003

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Dear Phillip:

Dear Phillip:

I miss you still. I miss the weird and wacky things you did, while you were in Tewksbury. You kept everyone off balance a little, and I think it was good for everyone who could appreciate it.

I also miss the outlet you gave me. I have always preferred to write to real people rather than to a journal (this is not going to be a surprise to my LJ readers, I think), and writing to you about the last year and a half of high school helped me put it into perspective for myself. I never really knew if you read the letters, and if you liked what I had to say. Jen and Diane always said you were glad to hear from me, and meant to write back, and so I kept writing. It makes sense to believe them - they probably would have either gently let me down, or just not bothered at all, if what they said hadn't been the truth. I guess one never really knows, when you come right down to it.

I remember clearly saying goodbye to you during the intermission for Sound of Music. I knew then, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I would never see you again. Everyone thought that was foolish - you included, by all reports. Even so, I never did. I know you made it to Wizard of Oz; I think I may even have spotted you in the audience, but I can't be sure. And I assume you were at graduation. I hope so. But I never managed to find you in the crowd, or be in the right place at the right time.

For all that I don't think I'll ever re-encounter you, I still look for you every time I'm in Boston. Every time the door opens on the T, I scan the faces of the people getting on. My visual memory is so bad, I probably wouldn't know you even if I saw you. And after ten years - the important ten years, no less - where would I even begin? Which leads me to a question I think I want to address separately....
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(no subject)

After ten years - the important ten years, no less - where would I even begin?

I guess that's the key to all the people I miss from before college. I wouldn't even know how to pick up from where we left off, because I barely remember who I was, whenever it was. How could I even find a place to start to explain who I have become, and why?

I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out how to re-establish one or two lost friendships with people I never lost contact with in the last four years. I'm trying to figure out if it's worth the effort, the risk. I'm unsure of my pacing, and of the soundness of my decisions. Most days I'm willing to fight for even a shadow of what I remember. Some days I think it's a waste of my time, that the conclusion is inevitable and I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment.

How much more so would it be with someone I no longer know at all, who no longer knows me? For someone who, most likely, never really knew me at the time? How do I get from Shy Repressed Anti-Social Band Geek to... well, Shy Repressed Anti-Social Gamer Geek. Perhaps I overestimate my own change. And yet, while my base self-assessment hasn't changed that much, I think my outlook and perceptions and values certainly have. How on earth could I express that, and how I came to where I am?

The problem with memories is that it will always seem more extreme - the good parts get better, the bad parts get both better and worse. I remember the friends and the friendships better, more fondly, and gloss over all the flaws. The problems seem comparatively insignificant, but the time I remember them taking and the strength of my reactions both become larger.

So I reminisce over the friendships long gone by, which were probably never what I remember them to be, and wish I could get back in touch with people I probably wouldn't have anything in common with anyway. That truly is a waste of my time, regardless of anything else.

I'm tempted to skip right over the letters to the few people I have left and get to the ones to people I still know. More challenging, and riskier, of course... but I could use a challenge or two. But there's only about four left, and one of them I have to write. We'll see.
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(no subject)

Okay, now I am putting up the threatened song lyrics. Well, not *the* threatened lyrics, I don't even remember what I was thinking about yesterday. But, on my way back from lunch, I heard this song (don't know artist or title):

I will remember you
Will you remember me
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memory

It seemed kind of appropriate to what I was talking about earlier.

Upon reflection, I think that the whole song lyric thing, if it is a regression on my part, is not a bad one. I haven't listened to music much at all in the last couple of years, let alone thought about the lyrics. I need music back in my life.
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