I started off the year by getting really stupid over a guy. What actually happened between him and me was fairly straightforward: I was attracted to him, he wasn't interested in me, he was decent about it. There was a little more to it than that -- isn't there always? -- but the details don't really matter in the long run.
The stupid part is that I fell into a lot of old habits and patterns, most of which didn't even fit the situation, and I started changing the situation to match the pattern. I was in unhealthy headspace for much longer than I admitted to myself, and had a hard time breaking out of it.
This was the first time in a long time that I had noticed someone and pursued them. It concerns me deeply that my reactions went so spectacularly wrong. I had thought I was in a better place than that. I thought I was stable and ready to try that sort of thing. Apparently I was wrong. But I'm not sure how I'll know next time whether I can handle it or not.
In addition, I realized over the summer that I had completely lost my dignity and self-respect. That wasn't connected to the situation with the gentleman, although it certainly didn't help matters any. It had happened at least six months before I met him. I hadn't even noticed. Now I'm paying close attention to be sure that I act like the person I want to be. I can't change any bad first impressions I may have made, but at least I can keep it from happening again.
Then, at the end of the summer, I had to change anti-depressants because of insurance. I've been wrestling with depression for most of the last four months. We're working on getting the dosage right. A lot of things have slipped or been neglected in the meantime. It's not you, it's me.
If it sounds to you like I've spent most of 2010 inside my own head, you'd be right. It's a scary place in there, and I don't want to stay any longer than I have to.
There were plenty of good parts to 2010 as well. I met a great number of interesting people. I was thinking about it – fifteen years ago, I was home after my first semester of college, and I couldn't stop talking about all the people I'd met. My parents listened tolerantly, but they didn't pay much attention, because every year before that I'd had new friends, and they never lasted. While it's true that many of the people I met that fall weren't even a part of my life six months later, and more have disappeared since, some of them are still among my closest friends. Kathy, Jenny, Bridget, Kyndle, Amy, John... it's been fifteen years, and we're still putting up with each other. So I can't help wondering about the new people I'm meeting. Fifteen years from now, who will be a barely-remembered name, who will be someone I greet once a year at whichever event, and who will be a real friend and an integral part of my life?
As part of a gaming discussion about motivations this fall, I spent some time thinking about what motivates me. I think the answer is people. It may seem like a strange choice for a shy introvert, but it turns out that as much as I find it draining to be social, I also find it greatly rewarding. I really do like people (as individuals, not so much in the aggregate), I like being around them and I like learning about them and their interests. This is probably obvious to everyone else, but it didn't really click with me before.
Let's see, what else... Weight: I gained about fifteen pounds in 2010. I need to go back to paying attention to diet and exercise, just as soon as the depression gets under control. Work: continues stressful due to staffing issues and my boss's health. There have been too many days when I'm the only one here all day long. But, most days I'm still finding the work rewarding.
So, here are some goals for 2011 (not resolutions, which are made to be broken), some of which are lifted directly from daeron:
-- Do better than last year. At everything.
-- Live my life with grace and dignity, no matter what happens.
-- Accept that I don't need to be in a "relationship" to be loved. Corollary: accept that I am in a relationship with each of you, and thus am loved.
-- Feel guilty less often.
-- Feel happy more often.
-- Spend less time in my head, and less time lost in computer games. Spend more time reading books, and more time interacting with people.
-- Don't try so hard. Let life just happen.
-- Keep loving and living and growing and giving.