Stephanie (collacentaur) wrote,

It looks like yesterday would have been Jeff's and my fourth anniversary. It didn't even occur to me until late in the day, as it turned out - or else I might have written about it yesterday. But yesterday was a kind of sucky day, so the last thing on my mind was what the date might have meant in alternate realities.

I wish I could say that I'm sad about it. Or for that matter, that I'm happy. But, honestly, it has about as much significance to me as the dates that would have been my anniversaries with my other exes, or the anniversaries of my breakups. Which is to say, not much more than "Huh, how about that." I remember... but I also remember a whole lot of other trivia, including the birthday of the guy my mom sat behind in homeroom in junior high.

I am a little bit sad that I don't really care, actually. I still feel that I have been too cold and unemotional about the whole thing. But while I am fascinated by my past in general, and continue to think about the ramifications of tiny decisions in high school and college, I have no illusions that the past is anything but over and done with.

Right now, I'm mostly just living in the moment. I want to get on with my future, but I'm afraid to take the actions to do so, for fear I'll screw up. It's kind of like standing on the beach at the edge of the water, dabbing my toes a little but backing up when a wave comes because the water's cold. I need a huge wave to come out of nowhere and knock me on my ass. Then I can just swim and stop worrying about it....

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