Stephanie (collacentaur) wrote,

I just had it confirmed that my most recent ex-boyfriend is dating again. This is not really a surprise, as I'd figured it out already, although I'm wondering if he would have ever thought to tell me if I hadn't asked.

It is bothering me a little more than I'd hoped, though. I'm not in the least jealous of her - God knows, I don't see him that way any more. I'm happy for both of them, and I kind of feel like it's something that should have happened a long time ago. I honestly, truly, wish them happiness.

I am a little jealous of what they have, though. Listening to the softness and lilt in his voice when he spoke to her on the phone a few minutes ago - I remember, vaguely, how incredible the beginning of a relationship is. The joys of discovery, the pride, the feeling of connection...

I guess it's the feeling of connection that gets to me most. This time of year is always difficult for me. I count myself very lucky to have made it through Saturday without having anything happen to trigger a panic attack. And I know I have only a few more weeks to fight through before the sun comes back and the depression triggers fade, and I can go back to life-as-normal. But I feel so lonely, so unconnected... and I know full well that it's simply not true, that it's all in my head. And there is NOTHING I can do about it. I want someone to hold me, comfort me, tell me it's all right. I crave physical contact. And I don't dare let anyone try, because it won't - can't - be enough, and will only make things worse. I despise February, I really do.

I wish it would happen to me. And I wish that right now I could believe that it could happen to me.

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